In my defense I did get up four times to go to the bathroom and all in all it was a great way to recover from a hangover. It also made me realize, and I am probably the last person with eyes and half a brain to reach this conclusion, that the current Hollywood movies are absolute and utter crap.
Sure there have always been crappy flicks. I shamefully sat through BioDome, Freddy Got Fingered and Rich Kids. But you expected nothing from those film. Bottom scrapping sub-nothing. Movies currently get so hyped up, so over publicized that there is no way a person's expectations can match the actual film. ***
***This is all in exception to 'Little Miss Sunshine', which is the best movie ever! We, however did not watch the great beacon of light and hope which is 'Little Miss Sunshine,' but instead saturated ourselves on less worthy fare.
Movies watched/slept/has sex through included:
Everything is Illuminated: Elijah Wood should thank his lucky stars for the hobbit movies. I personally hated the first Lord of the Rings and feel no one should be allowed to make a movie without an ending. Especially not a three hour movie. I vowed never to see the sequels after having wasted those three precious hours and feel somewhat certain they will flash before me at the end of my life pushing the sickle of death straight into my soul with the regret of time most useleslly wasted. But who am I to argue with a million dorks.
In fact, everything I have seen him in post 1987 (Radio Flyer and The Good Son were actually pretty decent) has sucked profusely. Green Street Hooligans was just crap. Violent crap in which people die fighting over soccer games and the supposed hard asses sing songs with the word 'bubbles' in them.
Everything is Illuminated was just the icing on his cake of shit. I love Jonathon Safron Foer's "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" so I thought I would like this. The first twenty minutes were a new, boring form of jewy (I can say it cause I'm Jewish) torture that was even worse than sitting with my bubby's Maj group for eight hours.
I begged Mr. X to watch something else, but he was already asleep. In my disastrous and incapacitated stated of Jack Daniels hangover I couldn't find the clicker and save myself. I ended up falling asleep and finding refuge in the Land of Nod only ten minutes later.
My advice-skip it unless you are suffering from insomnia.
Pursuit of Happyness: Cute. Totally cute. Awwweee, see how Happyness is spelled wrong. It's just so sweet and everyone loves this movie so of course...I was apprehensive. Contrived heart-warming sap has never sat well with me.
Yes, this is the moment that all of my nonexistent readers-those left after ripping on Lord of the Rings-call me a heartless whore and renounce this site.***
*** Everyone hates you if you don't root for the underdog. I once got into a fight with a women who worked for my dad because I said I hated SeaBiscuit. Fucking SeaBiscuit! I told her I thought it was didactic and she basically ripped my head off. She still, to this day, barely talks to me.
But it's not that I hate the underdog. Like I said, I just hate overly-contrived heart warming and this movie was basically a burning ball of heart-heating fire. I know that its a true story, but there were just so many things that bugged me and seemed false:
I am sure you all know the basic plot and I promise that nothing below ruins it.
1) Chris Gardner is inspired to work as a broker after he sees a guy on the street with a nice car. The man tells him he's a broker and that's that. Decision made, just because of the nice car and obvious wealth. But, ahem, hello-Chris Gardner's job is selling medical equipment. This man sees doctors all the time. Doctors damn it, make a ton of money. If he were purely financially motivated wouldn't he decide to be a doctor? Also-was he living in a cave? The man is in his late thirties, at least, and he doesn't know that brokers make a shit ton of money? I'm calling bullshit.
2) My second call of bullshit is when at one point in the movie he misses an appointment and shows up on Mr. CEO's front door step right before Daddy Warbucks and his son are going to the ball game. If you are a wealthy CEO getting ready for a nice outing with your son, would you really invite the black man from the finance company who just shows up at your door to to join you in the VIP box? Maybe I just don't know enough really wealthy family men, but it smells like fabricated bullshit.
3) This is not a bullshit call, but instead a call for rationale. Everyone loves this man because he followed his dreams and although that is great and I'm all for it, he has a kid. A major responsibility to provide not only for himself but for another human being. Yes, things worked out for him, but the risk was too big in my opinion. It could have just as easily gone the other way and everyone would be talking about what an amazing jackass Chris Gardner is. Even if he can solve Rubicks Cube.
4) Another point that really ticked me off. Chris Gardner continues to sell his practically unsellable medical equipment on weekends instead of finding a stable income source. All me and Mr. X could ponder during this portion of the film was "Why the fuck doesn't he get a job at McDonalds or somewhere he is guaranteed a paycheck? Why? Why? Why?"
Aside from all of that though-I give it a B-.
On a sidenote: The bootleg of this is amazing! Its digital and looks great. We ripped it on the burner and thought for a moment about starting a bootleg business. I came to the conclusion I would call my store "Ye Old Bootlegging Shoppe." I think it's hilarious. Mr. X did not agree. Am I wrong here-or is anachronism almost always funny?
Anchorman: This movie is purely retarded, but you've gotta love it. I have watched it at least ten times and heard it quoted a thousand more. "Baxter, you are so wise. You are like a miniature Buddha" just doesn't get less funny.
Final Score: Watch it again, even if it makes you a little bit dumber. Compared with the other choices out there this is pretty damn Oscar-worthy. Just be sure to turn to your significant other half way through and ask "Is that Sex Panther your wearing?"
A History of Violence: Viggo Mortensen is hot and the only reason I made it through the first Lord fo the Rings. It is also the only reason I actually watched this entire movie. I can sum it up in about four sentences: Viggo shoots and kills some robbers. Bad guys from his past come to find him because he shot and murdered a lot of people in another life before he was reformed into another person. Family hates him because he used to murder people so he leaves them and goes and murders more people. He comes back and they show there acceptance of him by offering him meatloaf at the dinner table.
Thumbs down. Skip ahead to the wife-rape and call it a night.
No comments:
Post a Comment