M Turns Up Her Gaydar

In New York it's damn near impossible to meet a closeted gay man. If a guy says he's not gay, you pretty much believe him no matter how shiny his shoes are or how many times you see him inappropriately eyeing other guys. For a long time I thought my friend FFG (Fabulous Fashion Guy) was closeted, a walking anomaly produced by a strict Catholic upbringing and Midwest values, but I have since changed my mind. How can someone live in New York for an elongated period of time (four years in his case) and not come out?

Then today one of my coworkers friends stopped into the office, briefly said "hi" with an overtly dramatic wave of his hand (Wipe the window, wipe the window) and then left. Later during lunch my coworker made it known to another coworker that her friend thought she, SHE meaning of the vaginal biology, was "hot."

All of us at once looked up from our deli salads in disbelief. "He's not gay?" was said in unison and pitch perfect harmony like some new pop song from Lance Bass.

She was suspicious too and began to rattle off the number of things he did to make her feel this way.

This is when Crazy Gary, our resident gay, stepped in to give us the tell-tale signs that a man is playing for the other team, in the form of questions.

Crazy G's Big Gay Questionnare is as Follows:

-Is his apartment decorated nicely?

This was it. One question could out you. We all agreed that this one question could NOT in anyway, shape or Todd Oldman bed, prove gayness. Couldn't that just be considered having good style?

So we added some signs on to the list that have been gleaned from our own expereince, because apparently even though the New York stereotype proclaims that every girl should have a gay friend (think Carey and Stanford), every Manhattan woman also has a closeted gay friend.

Addendum's to Crazy G's Big Gay Questionnaire:
-Does he hang out with gay men or have a gay roommate?
-Does he wear slippers?
-Does he normally wear a belt with everything, including gym shorts? (We were going to say sweat pants, but gay men do NOT wear sweatpants under any circumstances)
-Does he carry a leather man bag or wear any form of leather?
-Does he work in fashion?
-Does he say "fabulous" like "FAB U Lous!"
-Does he love the shows "The L Word" and "So You Think You Can Dance?"
-Does he listen to Jessica Simpson?
-Has he ever suggested going to a gay bar using the excuse that it is only to find a boyfriend for his gay roommate/friend?

And that is where the similarities in our list stopped and verged into a number of tiny ways that gayness can be distinguished. For example "he lifts his pinky when drinking coffee," or "he refuses to eat leftovers." These were disputed by at least one person.

The reason this conversation was interesting to me was that my closeted friend FFG had committed an action that went beyond signs to absolute proof. On Saturday night he tried to make out with another male friend. Granted he also licked my face from my chin, over my eye and up to my hairline wile telling saying "I want to lick you all over your body," but there is being drunk and then there is letting go of your inhibitions to the point that your true self signs. This wasn't a case of mistaken gender but someone he has known for a long time. He knows that said friend has a penis.

Poor FFG. He has stayed in his room for three wqhole days refusing to talk to anyone out of embarrassment and granted he's probably ging through a struggle I can only empathize with, but truly fail to understand. Sure, shit may be weird, but god damn I am proud of him. If it takes twelve jack Daniels to 'out' someone, then here is to Jack. You go boy!