M Deals with Addictions, Longs for Chemicals with Flavor

I am addicted to Parkay Spray Butter. Addicted. It is my edible nicotine, my liquid crack, my sweet, sweet, flavorful eight ball of meth. I love it so much, no meal is complete without it. I much prefer it to real butter (what is this thing-"real butter") and will spray it on anything, from toast to baked Doritos to chicken to vegetables and sometimes even cereal (when eaten milk-less and by the handful as a snack).

With many of the above listed foods, I am only after the taste of the butter. The actual substance I am putting it on is just a holding place and a cover-up for this gross and disgusting habit. For example, instead of toast with Parkay, I will ask for Parkay with a side of bread. I have resisted shooting it right into my mouth, because hell, I do have some sense of self-discipline.

I have been on the downward spiral with the sauce for around four years and can’t quit. My parent and friends have expressed concern and I am aware that it is pure chemicals and will probably give me cancer. My only way to console them is to allude to the big fat check Parkay will award them after the company is sued for wrongful death. After all the website does say “Something you can feel good about feeding your whole family," in which I can only assume through common knowledge of biology and chemicals that this claim probably isn't true.

Lately, I have not been able to get a hold of it easily and it is driving me crazy. My two closets grocery stores, a Whole Foods and the Garden of Eden, don’t sell it (god damn hippes!) for obvious reasons. So today I went on line and started a search for a grocery store that will deliver my glowing yellow drug.

As I was doing this intense research I discovered what may be the most disgusting and yet greatest product ever. Spray Flavor!

This stuff is the gourmet version of Parkay. Created by David Burke, a Top Chef whose awards I can’t even pronounce or understand (Meilleurs Ouvriers de France Diplome d’Honneur?), these falvor sprays come in, go ahead and guess, a variety of flavors. You can get Parmesan Cheese, Pesto, Tomato Basil, Cheddar Cheese, Maple (is your mouth watering yet?), Honey, Fruit (?), Angel Food Cake and even Ice Blue Salt Spray.

This is only a sampling of the vast array. It even comes in ketchup. Ketchup fucking spray! Condiments making condiments as if squeezing versus spraying will make a world of difference. But surely this stuff will catch on. I forsee millions of children in the future being taken out to the ball game and spraying ketchup and mustard on their stadium fare. It would be so much less messy than the goop we now use. They could even add on a little Smoked Bacon Spray or Memphis BBBQ Spray.

I'm betting it will be the best diet ever: a million flavors and so much less caloric. Instead of using fatty Blue Cheese dressing I will now be able to just shower it in chemicals that taste the same. I have ordered almost every flavor and honestly can not wait (Fingers crossed for new Meat flavors and a line of Kosher sprays!). I for one am especially excited for Exotic and am offering everyonea million guesses what that could possibly taste like. I will personally buy the winner a free bottle. Promise.