This year,I promised myself to be good. Three moths into a new job, forgiveness would not be so easily forthcoming for dancing the electric slide and YMCA. Plus, I had to rise above my history of my singular office party at this company where I got loaded, made awkward conversation with the guy from the mail room (whom I can't for the life of me remember what I said, but it caused him to give me dirty looks for weeks following) and brought the intern home.
Yeah, I'll admit it. I was "that girl." But tonight was different. I slowly sipped my very light vodka and cranberry and watched what I have looked like in previous years. And man, was it a sorry sight to see with sober eyes.
For those of you preparing for your office party, please, please, please for the love of your self pride, follow the below rules:
1) Don't Drink: You will look like an asshole not matter what. 'Nuff said.
2) No Dancing: Under any circumstances. This means that if the guy from accounting you've been eyeing finally notices you while doing the Macerena, do not join in. When your drunk male boss asks you to dance simply say, "I twisted my ankle" or "I'm deaf in one ear and can;t hear the music." Say anything, just don't dance. You know he can't wait to pull out the moves he used to rock in the '70's. Really, I don't care if you used to be a Rockette or Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, no one ever manages to not look like a complete fucking retard when dancing to "ABC".
3) Dress Like You Would for Work: For some reason, people tend to believe that, hey, its a party, I'll bust out my weekend club wear. Women wear their cleavage baring tops and the men plaster their hair in mousse. Nothing is more disconcerting than trying to have a conversation with your supervisor when her nipple is hanging out. And, as a side note, the perfume/cologne mixed with booze breathe is not appealing on any occasion.
4) Don't Eat Like It's the Last Supper: Yeah, everything on the desert buffet looks good and the holidays is a time for indulgence. But people are watching you as you perform the balancing act of placing the cookie on top of the chocolate cake which is precariously pushing the pettifour off the plate. Stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy yourself some goodies. You'll either be known as the bulimic or enhance your rep as "The Fat One."
5) Watch Your Conversation: It seems like a social situation, but remember it isn't. Don't take this as the opportunity to air your personal stories of your new boyfriend or really cute new puppy. No one cares. Also, do not discuss work foibles. Everyone is relaxed and maybe you want to tell the big secret that you, say blog at work, but don't do it. You'll get called into the boss's office the next morning and have to deal with it.
6) Don't make out with anyone: Even if you really, really want to. Even if it is the office hottie. Make a date for another time. You may be a Puritan virgin, but you'll be labeled the office whore forever. JUST DON'T DO IT. Especially not with this guy:
4) Leave Early: The longer your their the more likely you are to make one of the above mistakes. As the time ticks on the urge only goes greater.
Now, I know the above rules sound like common sense but they are hard to follow. Go forth with nondenominational holiday cheer and enjoy. Happy Holidays!
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