M Analyzes Beavers and Abe Lincoln

I was late to work today. I woke up at 6am as scheduled, felt all snuggly and warm in bed and proceeded to hit the snooze button with abandon. I arrived at work a full four hours later feeling like an asshole.

On my seven block walk to work I recounted in my head the late hour in which I finally fell asleep. After I signed off the computer and I laid awake until 2am pondering the Rozerem commercial. Now I know that I am a little late on this one, but seeing as their web site still features Abe and the Beaver, I feel that it still holds relevance.

Much has been made of this commercial and its out-of-the-box use of these two figures. ( Check out a couple at http://brandstory.typepad.com/writer/advertising/index.html) For a drug commercial, which usually features an uncomfortable looking man or women suffering from whatever ailment the pill cures followed by the long list of horrible side effects, this is revolutionary. Almost all ad people will tell you they hate it because its gimmicky and doesn't give you the benefits of the drug, blah, blah, blah.

What no one has talked about, however, is what this dream means.

Scenario One: A Marxian Analysis

According to several online dream dictionaries as well as the one on the Rozerem web site, if the Beaver is doing work it means industriousness. The Rozeram Beaver, whom for simplicity's sake I will called Fred, is doing nothing. Paired with Abe Lincoln, a symbol for authority and known for his hard work and drive, is in straight juxtaposition. This man is torn. He either wants to be more active at his job or just stop working altogether and coast by. The astronaut in the back means he would like to explore new territory or perhaps, hold a meeting in space.

Scenario Two: A Freudian Analysis

It is a well-known fact that the Beaver is a pseudonym for a women's nether-regions. This man is obviously thinking about sex and in this case will need to be renamed Fredina. Enter Abe Lincoln, whose sexuality has been questioned, and you have a man who is torn between lady lust and a craving for man musk. The astronaut in the back means he would like to explore new territory or perhaps, have sex in space.

Scenario Three: Nostradumian Analysis

The beaver has been historically seen as a symbol for expansion and building. Abe Lincoln once dreamed his own death. Read as a premonition this man will wander onto a construction site because of lack of sleep and meet his demise when a large piece of scaffolding falls on him. The astronaut in the back means he would like to explore the beyond or perhaps, have his cremated remains launched into space.

Speaking of space. I got the most hilarious request today from a journalist who was looking for event planners opinions on "Going to outer space, the newest trend in incentive travel and meetings."

I am not lying about this. I know it sounds fake, but this is cross-my-heart, completely serious. You can go if you have $200,000 http://www.protravelsw.com/virgingalactic.html.

I laughed my ass of at this request, but was the only one in my office who thought it was funny. Am I wrong on this or is space travel always funny? But besides that, is this really a trend? I haven't heard of anyone who has gone to a meeting on the moon and if I was given this excuse when making a phone call I would be offended. "No, Mr. Stevenson is not available. He is currently rounding Uranus."

Who has ever heard of this? I can not imagine floating past nebulous clouds and black holes discussing the third quarter report with any concentration. But maybe this journalist is on to something. Drop me a line if you want me to forward your responses on the following questions she is interested in having answered:

1) Do you feel that the trend of incentive space travel will take off. Why or why not?

2) Do you feel that space will be a popular place to hold meetings. Explain.

M Pops Her Blog Cherry

Wow...I feel nervous and my palms are kind of shakey. I'm ultra aware of any noises that may come from around the corner, just waiting for someone to walk in and discover...I'm blogging.

Yes, the above does seem ridiculous to me. I bet you thought I was masturbating right? The feeling is akin to being in high school, all nervous one of my parents would walk into my bedroom and find me in a compromising position of ecstasy.

The fact that I am that nervous right now makes me feel like my emotions are not on par with reality. I understand that blogging is a firable offense and that many hardworking people have lost their jobs for just that, but come one. It just seems to me that when people where sneaking around working in the past, they were committing much more sinister offenses like money laundering or jacking off in their office.

Side note:
Maybe I could blog and masturbate? Or be like the naked blogger. That would maybe get me some audience? Once when I got stuck in the rain on my way to the office, I took my pants off to dry. I got too scared and put them on soaking wet five seconds later, but at least I gave it a shot. That was exciting (even if it comes off as a mundane story)!

The reason I am blogging at work is that I am bored. More bored than usual. It's the Friday before X-mas and I have nothing to do but wait until six o'clock rolls around. I have literally sat and stared at my outlook box, interspersed with glances at the phone, for two hours hoping that something would happen. My mind went blank for awhile but mostly I have just been wondering what the hell everyone else is doing.

I get this feeling a lot at work when things are slow. I work on a team with one other girl and we handle the most and largest accounts in the office so I have to wonder what everyone else could possibly be doing.

My office mate, who is possibly the laziest person I have ever met, talks on her cell phone, looks at pictures of her baby and talks endlessly in my ear about the cute thing, like say burping or shitting in his diaper. But being that she is the only one who has a kid and does top my list as worst employee I've ever met (she stole my idea right in front of my face during a meeting yesterday and steals everyone's placements), I can't assume that is what everyone else is doing.

This freaks me out because it makes me wonder, what should I be doing that I'm not. Then I try to make a to-do list only to realize, that yes, I really have nothing to do. Or do I...hmmm...Nope, it seems I only have to figure out a way to look busy. Is this what everyone else is doing also?

Another weird thing about my coworkers is that I never hear anyone making phone calls, an activity that is essential to public relations. My office is relatively small and I can hear at least three other people at all times and no one seems to ever pick up the phone. Some days it is as quiet as a library-not even the sound of typing. This is definitely something I am going to have to get to the bottom of. Is there as secret I don;t know about that allows people to make follow p phone calls without ever having to pick up the phone?

I guess it will remain a mystery today. For now, I am going to sign off (too nervous) but at least the sound of the keyboard typing furiously for ten minutes must have given off the sound of doing something substantial and relevant.

M Gives Advice, Braves Office Party

'Tis the season to get wasted in front of your coworkers, make prolonged and awkward conversation with the guy from the mail room and make out with the intern. Yes, you guessed, it, it's the dreaded holiday party. That one night per year that inhibitions are throw to the wayside and common sense eludes you with abandon.

This year,I promised myself to be good. Three moths into a new job, forgiveness would not be so easily forthcoming for dancing the electric slide and YMCA. Plus, I had to rise above my history of my singular office party at this company where I got loaded, made awkward conversation with the guy from the mail room (whom I can't for the life of me remember what I said, but it caused him to give me dirty looks for weeks following) and brought the intern home.

Yeah, I'll admit it. I was "that girl." But tonight was different. I slowly sipped my very light vodka and cranberry and watched what I have looked like in previous years. And man, was it a sorry sight to see with sober eyes.

For those of you preparing for your office party, please, please, please for the love of your self pride, follow the below rules:

1) Don't Drink: You will look like an asshole not matter what. 'Nuff said.

2) No Dancing: Under any circumstances. This means that if the guy from accounting you've been eyeing finally notices you while doing the Macerena, do not join in. When your drunk male boss asks you to dance simply say, "I twisted my ankle" or "I'm deaf in one ear and can;t hear the music." Say anything, just don't dance. You know he can't wait to pull out the moves he used to rock in the '70's. Really, I don't care if you used to be a Rockette or Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, no one ever manages to not look like a complete fucking retard when dancing to "ABC".

3) Dress Like You Would for Work: For some reason, people tend to believe that, hey, its a party, I'll bust out my weekend club wear. Women wear their cleavage baring tops and the men plaster their hair in mousse. Nothing is more disconcerting than trying to have a conversation with your supervisor when her nipple is hanging out. And, as a side note, the perfume/cologne mixed with booze breathe is not appealing on any occasion.

4) Don't Eat Like It's the Last Supper: Yeah, everything on the desert buffet looks good and the holidays is a time for indulgence. But people are watching you as you perform the balancing act of placing the cookie on top of the chocolate cake which is precariously pushing the pettifour off the plate. Stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy yourself some goodies. You'll either be known as the bulimic or enhance your rep as "The Fat One."

5) Watch Your Conversation: It seems like a social situation, but remember it isn't. Don't take this as the opportunity to air your personal stories of your new boyfriend or really cute new puppy. No one cares. Also, do not discuss work foibles. Everyone is relaxed and maybe you want to tell the big secret that you, say blog at work, but don't do it. You'll get called into the boss's office the next morning and have to deal with it.

6) Don't make out with anyone: Even if you really, really want to. Even if it is the office hottie. Make a date for another time. You may be a Puritan virgin, but you'll be labeled the office whore forever. JUST DON'T DO IT. Especially not with this guy:

4) Leave Early: The longer your their the more likely you are to make one of the above mistakes. As the time ticks on the urge only goes greater.

Now, I know the above rules sound like common sense but they are hard to follow. Go forth with nondenominational holiday cheer and enjoy. Happy Holidays!